I began my journey with yoga in 1998. Leading up to this time, I found myself living in Amsterdam, Holland with an extremely abusive boyfriend. I felt I had left of what seemed a life time of depression, brokenness, self -doubt , poor body image, fear and anxiety behind.
“ It is always darkest before the dawn.” A quote by Bill W. the founder of Alcoholic Anonymous.
I was 26 years old at the time. I came from a family riddled with everything that could possibly go wrong in a family. I am the youngest of three siblings. By the age of 18, my mother had tried to take her own life unsuccessfully, three times. My father was in the military and was never around much in my youth however, when he was there, he ruled the family with an iron fist. He controlled every aspect of our lives when he was home, which paved the way to me leaving my hometown at the age of 22 to live my dream as a flight attendant. I was based in Miami, Florida. At that time, I felt that running away would fill the abysmal hole in my heart which ached for my manically depressed mother and siblings.
In 1998, I was given a book written by B.K.S. Iyengar by a dear friend of mine in Holland. It was there in my apartment that I first discovered the miraculous benefits of yoga, for the first time ever, I was able to capture small moments of peace of mind and inner strength in practicing yoga. This book contained a poster that I framed illustrating the sun, moon and earth salutations. I protected that poster with utmost care, it remains in my mother’s house to this very day. I had finally found an outlet to take my focus off all the negative things that had happened thus far in my life, but there was more trouble ahead, a great deal more.
After leaving my dream job as a flight attendant to run off with this abusive boyfriend to Europe, I ultimately landed in Federal Prison. I became deeply involved in an international drug conspiracy and found my name on a Federal Indictment ending with a plea agreement of 9 years for conspiracy. I had never been in trouble though here I was now at the age of 32 agreeing to cooperate as a witness for the FBI against the abusive boyfriend whom received a life sentence for the international trafficking of drugs from Europe into the United States. I was sentenced to 108 months in a Federal Prison Camp where yoga once again, resurfaced in a time of despair. My case remained ongoing with the hope that it would go before the courts again. At this time, I remained under a 9 year sentence until the government decided to take me back to court.
I attended yoga classes faithfully throughout my incarceration, it was the only thing outside of God that kept me sane and hopeful. It was the one thing that kept me out of the “pill line”, as more than half of the camps population of women were on antidepressants, antipsychotic and antianxiety medications to dull the sharp pain of living in prison with long sentences. It was here I was introduced to Hatha yoga, taught by a couple of inmates 5 days a week. On the weekends, those of us devout yoga students were left to our own devices of practice with videos that were available in the gym. There was a decent supply of Baron Baptiste DVD’s and videos on hand. There seemed to always be a magnetic attraction during our yoga classes. Our weekly inmate taught classes always ended with a crowd of inmates outside the gym, glued to the gym windows in awe of what we were doing in there. Little by little, those women who peered through the outer windows were eventually drawn inside and began to participate. Many that were new to yoga were astonished by the overall benefits it was giving them. We were finding peace, strength, weight loss, better coping skills and ultimately a light that could shine in the dark tunnels of our incarcerations.
After 26 months of incarceration, my case went before the courts and I was granted early release, based on the grounds of unconstitutional sentencing. The pathway to freedom felt scary and uncertain, but I kept practicing yoga. I practiced in yoga studios and in the privacy of my own home with books and occasional videos. Life continued to bring happiness and disappointment. I became a caregiver to my father in 2010 who was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I relied on my yoga practice to keep me focused and strong for my family. My father eventually passed away in 2012. I took an immediate nose- dive into a decade of alcoholism, while my mother was slowly being taken by end stage dementia. I had survived federal prison and was still doing time in my own personal prison for more than a decade. My mother eventually passed in March 2021.
I made the conscious decision to check myself into local treatment center for my alcoholism where yoga would find me once again. I saw a spark of light when a counselor asked if I was interested in participating in Yoga 4 Change, it was new to the program of rehabilitation. I firmly do believe that having yoga as part of my life- long journey to overcoming is one of the corner stones of my sobriety today, in this very moment. Yoga is a healer of the mind, body and spirit. Yoga 4 Change has helped to bring me back to ME, who I always was and what I am meant to be. I am an empath by nature, one of the special gifts I was born with, passed down by my mother.
I am inspired with each new day that life brings. Yoga 4 Change has inspired me to share my journey of pain and healing with others, just like me. I would like to share the light that yoga has shined on the darkest pathways of my life. I have found that we heal ourselves through sharing in the healing of others.
Namaste.
Blog written by: Marci Donor
